I had no clue it had been so long since I visited or wrote anything.  I write all the time, in the head, or is that just those little voices always talking to me.  The layers of depression are amazing, something I always shrug off until yesterday.  Listening to the news while I tried to wake up, they said one of the signs of depression is memory loss.  I can't remember crap, thought it was my age, having to make all these little notes, mostly work related.  Doing a job which I hate, because I was transferred to another department because I worked in Texas and everyone else was in the office in IL.  Crap, more crap, and then some more crap.  Of course they did promote me to the "senior" level, but it is still work I don't enjoy doing.  Like the U2 song, I feel like I'm stuck in a momement of time I can't get out of.  Maybe I can get out of it one of these days, as I untangle all these thoughts.

Friday parts of Texas set a new record high at a lovely 101 degrees, which just screamed trouble with a "cold front" moving in.  Around 7:00ish the wind picked up and it looked like something out of the Wizard of Oz blowing down the middle of the street, dirt, leaves, this and that, then the calm before the storm as you heard the first ping, then a louder ping as hail started raining down, from golf ball the grapefruit size, broke the truck window in 3 places, the truck and car are covered with dents.  Then we start seeing sheet of thermal foam flying across the road, we are thinking part of the someone's siding has come off, but we venture out a little into the yard since the hail was letting up and see that our roof has been ripped off in the back part of the house.  That thermal sheets was ours, we have a metal roof so it was the insulation between the old roof and the new roof.  I had no idea it was there, but now I know.  Today was cleanup, two truck loads of branches and we haven't even started on the backyard.   Today it was overcase, didn't even reach 75 degrees, crossing fingers that no heavy rains happen between now and getting the roof fixed.   Good news is no one was hurt, bad news is they said it was a tornado.  My daughter called and was laughing that I spent 40 years in Missouri/Kansas in tornado alley and move to Texas and it effects me. 

It's been a month and I haven't heard from my son, no e-mails, no telephone calls from the satellite phone.  The last call I received was a year ago, I saw five digits on my cell phone and knew it was him on a satellite telephone.  No one has heard from him since.   I hate the location he is at now, he told me in one of the last calls he wasn't sure if they would even be receiving mail at the new location.   My granddaughter has been here a year now, a very long year in some ways, short in others.   It is funny at five she is more aware then I would imagine, she keeps telling me her Daddy will be home soon since he's been gone so long.   I feel bad for her in some aspects living with us for the past year, she acts so old for her age.  Her pre-school teacher even remarked what "big" words she uses, I'm more amazed she uses them in the correct context.   I hope to hear from my son soon, I hope he is home even sooner.    The only good thing is I recognize my stress level has reached the limit and have started walking in the mornings, hoping to relieve some of the stress before I just fall apart. 

The past months have gone by so quickly.  It is hard to believe Christmas is over, but there is nothing like a five year old to bring the wonder of Christmas back.  Everything is beautiful, it's the best Christmas ever, the best presents ever, the best everything ever.  When my own children were young I refused to travel on Christmas if you wanted to see the children or me you came to my house.  It was weird catching a plane and traveling, but was important that A would see other family members.  Daddy called on Christmas morning and it was so bittersweet, A kept asking him why his voice was sad, and then ask him if he was on a plane coming home.   When Daddy asked her if Santa brought her everything she wanted, she was well I had to lie to Santa and tell him I was good all year because I wanted presents.  At least she recognized that she probably wasn't really good all year, but considering the year she had you couldn't expect more.  It was interesting when I took her to my ex's house, I was actually welcome and he took us all out to eat for lunch.  My daughter was kind of freaking out that everyone was getting along, but I think it is important for A to have contact with all the grandparents and know that people can not be married and still be family.  I think he is just happy that I'm the one with the grandchild and not him.  I hear all the time "I couldn't do it" and my thought is always you could do it, you just don't think you can.  If you needed to and it was the only choice, you would and could.  Maybe that is wishful thinking, considering the Mom is unable to raise the child.  But then again, I'm the one who does what is expected not necessarily want I want.  Might be part of the silent rage deep in my soul, but when it comes to children and doing what is right I will always put the child first.  I know what it feels like to not be done right as a child, the damage which chases you for a lifetime.  A told me that I needed to have more children she wanted a brother or sister, when I told her I had two children she was no you have three children, I'm your grandchild and you need to have more so I have a brother or sister.  I'm pretty confident I'm not having any more children, and no more children.  A will come home Sunday, after making the rounds of grandparents and being spoiled rotten.    Sometimes I wish I was the grandparent spoiling the child, instead of the grandparent being the parent, but it is more important for A to structure, disipline, boundaries and manners.  God bless every grandparent who is raising a grandchild, it's harder then raising your own children, but it does keep you young.

Last night I remembered a friend, Clarence, who retired at 55 so he could travel with his wife, he had a long list of things he wanted to do.  Each year his wife told him next year, this year I have such a promising synchronized swim team, promise next year I'll retired.  The years ticked away, he would come visit our office and sit around for hours doing nothing.  Over time his gait was a little slower, he didn't look as healthy, one day he told me he had cancer and they had given his six months.  He expressed the disappointment in his wife of 30 years who hadn't retired and he didn't have the opportunity to do everything on his wish list.  I was in my 30's at the time and didn't comprehend the sadness of not having enough time to complete the wish list.  Now that I'm over 50 it has made me reflect on what a limited time I have on this earth.  I often ask myself if I knew there was only six months left, how would I change my life.   In my 30's and 40's I made major changes in my life, it seems in my 50's I've become lazy.    Changing my life will require a tremendous amount of energy, and a calculated risk.   The group "The The" has a song with the words:  If you don't like your world change yourself.    Easier said then done.

I took a job once with 4 weeks starting vacation instead of standard 2 weeks since hey couldn't afford my salary but wanted to hire me.   The question for me is the company unable to give raises because they are struggling, or because they want to keep the stockholders happy with a nice profit margin.   I'm tired of companies who give same % to everyone because it is company policy.  Why do I have to fill out a self evaluation every year when it's the same 3% which doesn't keep up with inflation.  This year my boss slipped me a little extra in my first bonus check, then it was back to the same ole bonus checks.  Guess I shouldn't complain, I have a job, get to work from home which saves on gas, clothing, eating out for lunch, but I miss people. 

I needed to travel to Chicago for a few days for a "suggested workshop" for work.  Decided to have the ex-daughter-in-law come help with her daughter.  Figured, how bad can it be with P here most of the time.  Left Wednesday morning, granddaughter was 30 minutes late to school because mother thought it was more important that she stop and stock up on ciggs and get some coffee.  The school is one mile from our house, give me a break.  Thursday I check my cell phone and see several messages (it was on silent), the granddaughter hasn't been picked up and it's 1 1/2 hours past the time she was suppose to be.   When I returned the call they said Mom said she had a flat tire.  I was livid, I could walk to school in 15-30 minutes, probably faster if I was motivated.  I decide I need to go home a day early, get into Dallas at 10:40 PM, drive and get home at 2:00 AM,  the mother is still up on the computer.  I start questioning about why she didn't pick up her daughter and she was I fell asleep, of course my response was if you slept at night you'd be awake during the day to watch your daughter.  P said each day Mom was on the couch asleep while gd was watching cartoons.   Never again will I trust the Mom to watch her own daughter, which is sad.   Told her to go to bed so she'd get some sleep because she needed to go home in the morning, when I have to cut a business trip short because she is more concerned over partying and playing on a computer then her own daughter, then she didn't need to be here.  No child should be left waiting on someone to pick them up from school for 1 1/2 hours.  I can't imagine what GD felt like. 

The election is interesting if nothing else.  Still find myself unable to commit to either candidate, wish I could combine the two of them into one candidate.   I worked for a union 18 years, worked plenty of political elections and understand the behind the scenes wheeling and dealing.  Have a daughter in a same sex marriage, a son in a war zone, and I'm in sticker shock every time I go to the grocery store.   At 51 and excellent health I worry that one day the health won't be so excellent and the financial drain which will come with it.     I worry about Obama's experience, about McCain's age, the division of classes in the United States including the party line.  My Uncle has been in small town politics for all my life, he was shocked recently that some "young upstart who has never paid any property tax" is running against him, damn Republicans, he is a Democrat.   The United States is on the wrong course, everyone is looking out for "I" and not for "we as a nation".   My son might be right, Ron Paul might be the perfect candidate, just to shake things up.  I would like to see a mandatory "service" for every male/female like other countries have.  Doesn't mean military service, but it means service to the nation, rebuilding communities.    I worry that no matter who is President it is politics as usual, to many lobbyist, special interest groups, unions which each candidate with owe.    Both sides have speech writers, teleprompters, people whispering in the ear, it would be interesting to hear what they say behind closed doors.

Texas Football season is here, for some it's a religion.  It's been 26 years since I went to a football game, but Saturday night we decided to take the granddaughter to the local Jr. College football game.  PP had decided to go to the Friday night high school football game since it was the #1 & #2 rated teams, standing room only.  PP said Saturday night wasn't as crowded, but it was a full stadium.  We explained the game to the granddaughter and she was excited that she could yell, scream, jump up and down in public.  Half time was great according to her because of the band and all the pretty girls.  I expect her to be a cheerleader when she grows up, probably want to be a beauty queen just to make me cringe which is another blog.   PP now wants to go to college football games, we are within driving distance of Texas Tech, OU, Texas, Baylor, which are deemed football games worthy of the price tag.    I thought the $5 price tag for Jr. College and granddaughter in free was the right price.   The obsession with football in Texas I'll never understand, but the crowds are great for people watching.